i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
