My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Randomize
