I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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