if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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