You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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