I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
