I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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