I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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