I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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