I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
