dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
