I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
