Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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