oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize