I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
