You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
