Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Boobs are out for the taking
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
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