thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
