Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she told me i tasted like america
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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