she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
