Swine flu. Run for my life!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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