you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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