Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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