So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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