My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
