Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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