dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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