Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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