I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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