she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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