I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
