If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
