Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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