We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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