At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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