Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
