even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
