I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
