they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
