so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
