my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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