he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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