If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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