Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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