I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
