i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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