Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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