he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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