I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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