You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
