Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they need to just BURY HIM!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
