I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
