So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
