...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
