Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's official drugs can't kill me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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