he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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